Happiness

As a young girl I always knew there was so much to love in this life. When I think of pure, unadulterated happiness I picture my childhood and the time I spent deciding who I was going to become. More than anything I believe that who we are, what we do, and how we feel about ourselves is our own choice. So I decided, long ago, that no matter what happened in my life I would be happy. I don’t remember deciding it in a moment but I remember seeing enough unhappy people to know that I would make my life fantastic by choice- as it should be.

There are a few moments in my childhood where I can say I experienced perfect happiness. And every time it was in some simple way. Do you remember those summer days when the sun would linger for hours after supper and your parents would let you stay up a few hours later to play outside with friends? I remember that eventually my parents would call me back into the house. I would put on my favourite ‘jaquette’. I don’t know the perfect translation into English but I will describe it as a pajama dress. This ‘jaquette’ was much more than just a dress to me. It had once belonged to my aunt, Johanne, my namesake. When she passed away my mom chose to keep that dress for me. I remember it as being baby blue- my favourite colour at the time- with small white flower designs across it. It was perfect. Wearing this, I would lie in bed, the bright light streaming through my window, playing across the walls in my room. In all my memories I remember my room being painted gold with the sunlight. Then I would push all the blankets down to the very end of my bed, feeling the warmth of the sun on my skin. Closing my eyes I would picture myself lying on the grass outside, enjoying the warm gentle breeze or listening to the tiny birds singing there evening songs. There was something so peaceful at this time of day and my little mind would be busy at work creating every possible fantasy. To say that I was creative would have been an understatement. My mom has always called me her little daydreamer. She used to think it was adorable- though it has gotten me into trouble more than once since then. I would lie in bed like this till the sun would begin to set. But in that space of time where my room was filled with light, I remember feeling completely loved and completely happy.

I think that this was probably the first real moment where I can stay that I knew that God lived and cared about me, Stefanie. How could I have moments like that and not believe? He is in the sunshine, the chirping birds, the scriptures I read and he is in the love I feel from all my friends and family. I felt it then just like I feel it now as I write this. And that is why I choose to be happy.

My Greatest Fear

What does a real family feel like? Is there a way to reach back into all those memories to find a fragment of something that is now broken? I was too young, too unsuspecting to think that I should try to conserve something I never knew would fall apart. I can remember lying in bed as my father tucked my sister and I in, spontaneously fabricating stories to make us giggle and laugh. I can remember driving to church on Sundays with both my parents dressed in my favourite Sunday clothes. I can even remember trips to the beach and to my grandparent’s home. What I can’t remember is the feeling of my family being one indivisible unit. I don’t remember what it felt like to see my parents love each other.

I can’t say how this has changed my life but I know that in every way it has changed who I am. And it is because of that, that I wouldn’t change a single thing about my life. Love is one of the hardest possible emotions but I have learned what it is- and what it is not. I find it everywhere, and I wish I could help everyone feel like there is love in this world- that they are loved or looked after. I can’t wait to raise my own family: one where my children know how much I love their father. I want a home where the gospel is everything, where my children smile and feel the importance of being together for all eternity. I want my kids to grow up learning to pray about their questions instead of looking for answers in the world. I want them to know without a doubt that I know the gospel is true. I want my sons to be like stripling warriors and my daughters to stand as beacons for others to follow. I want the kind of family that laughs together, cooks together and has fun together. I want people to feel like our home is always open to anyone. Mostly I want the kind of family that is full of love for everything.

I dream about this family and this home. It is my biggest hope, but it is also my greatest fear. Can I be that kind of mother? I feel like I need a lifetime to prepare to be that person.