My Greatest Fear

What does a real family feel like? Is there a way to reach back into all those memories to find a fragment of something that is now broken? I was too young, too unsuspecting to think that I should try to conserve something I never knew would fall apart. I can remember lying in bed as my father tucked my sister and I in, spontaneously fabricating stories to make us giggle and laugh. I can remember driving to church on Sundays with both my parents dressed in my favourite Sunday clothes. I can even remember trips to the beach and to my grandparent’s home. What I can’t remember is the feeling of my family being one indivisible unit. I don’t remember what it felt like to see my parents love each other.

I can’t say how this has changed my life but I know that in every way it has changed who I am. And it is because of that, that I wouldn’t change a single thing about my life. Love is one of the hardest possible emotions but I have learned what it is- and what it is not. I find it everywhere, and I wish I could help everyone feel like there is love in this world- that they are loved or looked after. I can’t wait to raise my own family: one where my children know how much I love their father. I want a home where the gospel is everything, where my children smile and feel the importance of being together for all eternity. I want my kids to grow up learning to pray about their questions instead of looking for answers in the world. I want them to know without a doubt that I know the gospel is true. I want my sons to be like stripling warriors and my daughters to stand as beacons for others to follow. I want the kind of family that laughs together, cooks together and has fun together. I want people to feel like our home is always open to anyone. Mostly I want the kind of family that is full of love for everything.

I dream about this family and this home. It is my biggest hope, but it is also my greatest fear. Can I be that kind of mother? I feel like I need a lifetime to prepare to be that person.